The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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