Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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