The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
