By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
