Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
