I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
