Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
