you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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