What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The adults are the big ones right?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
