Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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