How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
