why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
