I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
