he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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