Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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