shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize