someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
