ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
