remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
