my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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