It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
