That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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