so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
