I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
