i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize