Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
