Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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