i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
