ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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