im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
