just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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