New low: just hacked my moms facebook
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
