Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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