I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
