Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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