weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
