she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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