Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
