I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
