i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Ketchup is God's man juice
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
