I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
