how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
