oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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