my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
