there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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