You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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