I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
