Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
