I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
