i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I forget how to act sober
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
