Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize