he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
