I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize