theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
