His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
