dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
