nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
