Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
