Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
