I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
