Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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