Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
